I'm going to be perfectly honest here. Put it all out there...which is incredibly rare for me. I'm not the type of person who vents her emotions terribly often. Truth is, the past few months have been...well...rough. Nothing traumatic has happened. I know, that in the grand scheme of things my problems are nothing compared to what others are suffering through.
I had no motivation. No drive. Nothing was bringing me happiness. I felt as though a perpetual dark cloud was hanging over me, 24/7. I was crying at the drop of a hat. I was miserable. I was overworking myself and I was burning out. Our new homeschooling program was making us all miserable. My creativity was gone. Just....gone. I didn't want to pick up my scrapbooking supplies. I didn't want to blog. I didn't want to chat. Sure, I put on a happy face, just like I always do, but underneath I was just....sad. So, so sad. All the time. The last time I had experienced anything like that was years ago, after I had Jillian. They diagnosed it as PPD and low thyroid levels. But this time? It wasn't PPD. It wasn't a thyroid issue. I was just exhausted.
It felt like nothing was going right. I couldn't get caught up with work. I was making stupid mistakes. I was forgetting things. I felt like my mind was in a million different places all. the. time. I wasn't sleeping because of it. I was caught in this funk that I couldn't snap out of. My kids were suffering because of it, my husband was suffering because of it. I felt guilty knowing that they were watching me, feeling completely helpless. I was in pain. A lot of pain. I have a herniated disc that presses on two different bundles of nerves and for the most part it's tolerable. But it was flared up so bad that they were talking about epidural injections and possibly surgery.
Thankfully my husband is my rock. My kids ground me. They stood by me and pulled me out of my funk. My friends kept me laughing. They listened to me, all of them, and helped me in every way that they could. As my business year rounded out and I got caught up on my family sessions my load lightened and I started feeling like I could breathe again. I have a smile on my face again. I started taking time out for myself. Reading, a bubble bath...whatever it took to help me relax and focus again.
I noticed that the lighter I started feeling, the less pain I was in. The negative, dark cloud feeling was steadily disappearing and I could breathe. Steadily my creativity has started to come back. I have the drive and the desire to break out my camera and capture my every day. I have spent so much time capturing others that I forgot to capture us. I want to pull out my patterned paper, my glue dots and scrap again. I want to enjoy it again. I want to enjoy the every day. Every moment, good or bad. I lost track of what was important. I lost track of my family. I lost track of me.
It feels incredibly amazing to be myself again. To be the person who laughs easily. To be the person who tried her best to find the positive in everything, even though it is tough sometimes.
With all of that being said, 2013 will be bringing some changes. I will no longer be part of the Garden Girl team. I'm going to miss it terribly. Being a Garden Girl was one of those dreams I never thought I'd achieve. And I did.
I will still be with Webster's Pages for as long as they will have me. I also hav a little special something coming up in January that I am extremely excited about. It's another one of those scrapbooking dreams come true things. I can't wait to share.
So while I can't promise to be a daily blogger...because lets face it, I never have been, I do promise to update more than what I have been. I promise to share more, even when I think it might bore you to tears.
In the spirit of sharing, I leave you with a layout that I created for Webster's Pages using the new amazing Allison Kreft designs. this one was featured over on the Creating Keepsakes Blog
For those who have stuck with me, have continued to check in...thank you. If you got through this mammoth post...thank you. I truly appreciate each and every one of you who leaves a comment, who sends an email or who just stops by. ♥